Wo de Shujia -- My Bookshelf of Late

I’ve been hungering after something new to read, after finishing J.S. Mill’s “On Liberty” and “Utilitarianism.”  I think both are great reads because both essays are still relevant to any number of current debates in democratic societies, especially issues of government interference with individual decisions.  J.S. smacks down a lot of paternalistic B.S.            

Maybe it was just opposite’s day, but after that I read the “Constitution of the Communist Party of China”, and it reminded me why I could never stand being a lawyer or legislator.

In case you were wondering how the cognitive dissonance from the capitalist situation on the ground is resolved: “The realization of communism is the highest ideal and ultimate goal of the Party.  The Communist Party of China takes Marxism-Leninism, Mao Zedong Thought, Deng Xiaoping Theory and the important thought of the ‘Three Represents’ as its guide to action….The highest ideal of communism pursued by the Chinese Communists can be realized only when socialist society is fully developed and well advanced.”  Read on a little further, and you will learn that “…the primary stage of socialism….It will last for over a hundred years.”  Hmmm…so in sum, First Comrade John Luc “Che” Picard and Comrade-Bot Data will live to see the final realization as they jet across xingxing systems at the behest of United Federation of People’s Planets Chairman Zhang.  Beau. Ti.  Ful.  Zui piao liang.

Since I haven’t had time to go to another bookstore carrying imports, this week I bought a language reader whose name translates to “Chinese Business Culture.”  Just to prepare my readership in case they attempt any trip to a dining establishment where they might encounter kuaizi-sticks, I thought I’d excerpt a valuable portion:

“When you are invited to a feast of Chinese people, please try to use chopsticks, for it would be regarded as an identification of [sic] the Chinese culture, through which you may imperceptibly [sic] establish a close relationship with your customers….First, choose the hand you often use so that you can apply it flexibly….Put your hand flat, separating the fingers and centering with the middle finger to put the chopsticks between them instead of gripping them with five fingers together….Please don’t be nervous, and get the delicious food you want by using your thumb.  Are you successful?”

“It is very important for you to remember them [the following points], so you will not make a fool of yourself when having a meal.”   My summary:

1. Don’t be moving your chopsticks all chop-chop like when decidin’ what to be eatin’ next.  It be disrespectin’ your host.


2. Don’t be putting your chopsticks all incense-vertical-stick-sacrifice-like, it be pissin’ off the spirit-old-folk.


3. Don’t be all moving plates with yo’ fool chopstick.


4. Don’t be pokin’ the top of no dishes, less you be dishin’ up some lack of ‘spect.


5. Put yo’ fool chopsticks down on the chopstick-ma-callit, or on the table flat.

“Please remember them to pleasantly surprise the Chinese people, so that they would look at you with new eyes.”  As if they didn’t when I put the chopsticks accountant-like on top of both my ears?  
Seriously, I’m going to produce a hidden camera show around a hapless Westerner who just can’t figure out the complexities of chopstick etiquette.  The first episode, the waifoo’l will reenact the classic battle between Darth Vader and Luke Skywaker until the moogoogaipan is at hand.  “Luke, wo shi ni de baba.”  

Take Notes Newsweek Commentators

Since I've highlighted an example of poorly-devised China commentary, I thought I'd point out P.J. O'Rourke's
Trading with the Enemy? as what I'd consider a more positive example. To begin, he admits his ignorance: "I JUST GOT BACK from three weeks in China. So I'm a China expert--by Bush administration standards." He critiques the U.S. political rhetoric by the standard of economic reasoning, and advances a coherent opinion, viz. the concept of a trade imbalance implies protectionist thought processes. To quote South Park, [sneeringly] "they took our jaaaawbs."

Yes, as we've always suspected, but formerly lacked photographic evidence

I'm at standing at the center of the Universe on an altar in the "Temple of Heaven" (Tiantan).

Vuelca la tortilla -- Flip the Tortilla

Since I mentioned seeing many T-shirts with either gibberish or funny English meanings, it's only fair that I link to a site showing misuse of Chinese characters: Hanzi Smatter. Jeebus, if you can't read it, don't tattoo it. And you probably shouldn't tattoo it even if you can.

Dragon Chickens

Ancient Chinese Wisdom if we just assume: Dragons=Dinosaurs. Dinosaurs are related to birds.

"Knock, Knock, Knocking on Heaven's Door..." - 敲，敲，敲天堂门

Long time, no write. Other than coming closer to my goal of watching every Jackie Chan movie in existence, it’s been an uneventful few weeks. It’s hard to believe but in another five weeks, I hit the road or find a job. Or hit the road to find a job.

I have two tutors who I converse with 10 hours a week and this is dramatically helping my fluency and so I hope my tones and pronunciation. This is with 20 hours per week in the classroom and however many hours learning new words and characters. This would be impossible to stomach if I just followed the University’s teaching methods. As much as I like my teachers, the textbooks seem rather dull and unimaginative. The contents are useful, but there has to be a better way.

So instead, I try to make every second fun, by always trying to learn to say funny stuff, and learning slang so I can cuss like a “haiyuan.”

They don’t really have that on the final exam, but my passing grade is not some boring test, but if I can with my language abilities intentionally get people to laugh with me, rather than at me.

“Qiao. Qiao.”

“Shui zai nar?”

“Genghis.”

“Genghis shi shui?”

“Genghis khan’tcha let us ride through a Chang Cheng gate. Don’t make us go all Mongol warrior on yo’ Jin Dynasty ass.”

Give me time, and I’ll have pure Mandarin knock-knock jokes on tap. Hell, maybe I should try to translate “The Aristocrats” joke -- I’ll be kicked out of the country, fo’ sure.
(Actually, there does seem to be some range to what criticism is allowed, at least in English. I was surprised by the acerbic but quality writing in one of the local English monthly rags. But then again, Joe Expat’s opinions aren’t really of any great importance to the political situation unless he tries to broadcast them in Chinese. )

My other critique of the teaching methods is that they don’t systematically teach the “Hanzi” writing system. Chinese characters are often a recombination of one or more other more fundamental characters, sometimes carrying hints about sound or meaning. Hence, to reduce the difficulty of learning new characters, I’ve been studying independently with another book, focusing on the most basic radicals and neglecting some of the characters they want me to memorize by brute force.

Points for the Flourish

The most grammatically-correct English sign that I’ve come across to date: “Please stand closer, your Big John is not as big as you think.  Thanks.”  Yes, I checked the Chinese version above the urinal, but did not find the corresponding characters for “Da Wang.”