My First Beijing Satire: A Re-Write

My satiric take-off on Anna Quindlen's The Sign of the Times:

(Not a Point by Point, just trying to express just how manufactured this particular column seems and devoid of original insight. Not that I have original insight at this point, but I'm more familiar every day of my ignorance. I respect anyone who can get paid for what they don't know, however. That's impressive. That's a writer.)

---

“Holy cow, Batman! We’re not in Gotham…although the sky has an uncanny resemblance….” Arriving in Beijing, the capital of China, one can be forgiven for exclamations. Even exclamations about sacred cows, which as my astute copy editor pointed out originates from some other place over this way and as such would be of better use in next edition’s “Another Big, Populous, Nuclear-Armed Country’s Inhabitants Like to Eat Food: Implications for the State of Every American’s I-Tunes Collection.”

Beijing is a big place. It’s so big that I was left with no choice other than to coin “Bei-big” -- a new official scientific term defining the city limits of Beijing as the cosmopolitan unit of big.

That’s because construction companies are constructing a new Beijing, even Bei-bigger than before. And do you know why? If you are like most news savvy Americans, you can be forgiven for saying it was just preparation for the 2008 Olympic Games.

The Chinese have an exotic term called “fangwu.” It roughly-translated means: “house.” The exact meaning is: “a place housing a television set next to which one can kick back with friends and watch Yao Ming’s NBA stature grow and grow.”

“China’s house” you see, has been undergoing drastic renovations: feng shui writ economics. China called in the fab four, the Capitalist Eye for the Mao-Jacketed Communist Guy: economic liberalism, Mc-Marketing, pop culture and the green mermaid. And so now instead of gagging on “People’s Brew No. 2,” a hip-hop happening, but swip-swap-sweeping Beijing janitor can purchase a “Frap” for her daily salary. Just like me! And I’m an American! Wheeeeeh! Sorry, got a little carried away; because of the double mocha non-fat and my Great Wall vacation…um…China investigative trip deadline is so near.

This is a direct result of a process Nobel prize-winning economists call “money flow.” Green reservoirs of mullah continually slosh between the hands of all, across nations on this globe, dowsing some and leaving others parched. Sometimes it storms ruthlessly, overflowing like Hurricane Katrina after another inflationary dam bursts. Other times, a steady rain, buoyed by a fixed exchange rate makes a society grow trees bearing new fruit.

Actually, scratch that. This “ZHONGGUO RENMIN YINHANG” funny money in my hands is multicolored a la Monopoly, so I must re-dye my metaphorical reservoir, if you please, to better put in words this money rainbow. Yes, the money in this land, this China, this land of jade and dragons, this land of whimsical Tinky-Winky-freaky mascots, differs from the predominantly green cast of American money. But refreshingly, to China’s credit, none of the bills are festooned with the images of old-dead-white guys.

Sometimes, when I look out the window of my Hilton’s Starbucks, I think about those foolish tourists who think they’re seeing the real China. The China across the street, down the block a little, on the right. Right where the Chinese characters get a lot bigger than the Roman lettering. Where the food is a little like Wang’s Take-Out Express back home, but not really.

You see my dear reader, the Chinese have an ancient tradition of putting up Chinese signs. And not just for decoration. But, it’s frankly mystifying how people can find anything. And, like how in the world do they look things up in the dictionary!? And their spelling bees! I wonder.

But China is not wondering about the proper spelling of supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. China is doing lotsa stuff to prepare for its superpower future. China’s nerds are mastering multilevel, massively-multiplayer online video games at an alarming rate, and if trends continue should dethrone America’s nerds from being rulers of the Gordwana, Land of the Druid Centaurs by 2010. While due to demographic sex imbalances, this is probably a good thing for the frustrated Chinese male populace, American nerds will have to wonder no longer whether their days as the only Sim-superpower are numbered. “They are. Oh, yes they are. Nerd! ”

Back in the offline world, it’s always good to have “everybody knows” statistics whatever the provenance. They are primo column-inch filler. So, here it is: China consumes .000025% of the amount of French toast that America does. But here’s the kicker. At current sales, the French toast industry can expect phenomenal 50000% percent growth in China, the most anywhere in the world. Isn’t that amazing! Vive le marmalade, hah hah (with Parisian twang)! Just as soon as they get that Yao Ming guy’s endorsement. But seriously, just why is American so hungry for French toast? “Hungry, hungry America. Stop consuming! Fatty.”

Oh, did I mention that China has different customs than the U.S.? Not only that, rumor has it they even have their own history beyond the Chinese History Cliffnotes. But really one should only compare and contrast them with the U.S. customs and history using the America-mirror, the only prism for the light of glorious self-criticism. It can be a funhouse mirror at times.

China, what? China, that’s kind of like America, right? They like money in both places, so I hear. Hey, so did I tell you about my visit to the Great Wall…really cool.

I. P. Freely

Of further interest, the museum is currently hosting “China Achievements Exhibition for Intellectual Property Protection.”  The motto?  “Protect Intellectual Property Rights to Champion Wisdom.”  Didn’t seem too crowded, so if you’re in the Beijing area, stop by!

Red Rover, Red Rover, Red Victory all Over

Today I saw the “Military Museum of the Chinese People’s Revolution.”  It was a very comprehensive display of Chinese military history, in a gigantic building topped with a red-star and with a red-star embedded in the ceiling of the rotunda overhanging the obligatory twenty-foot-tall Mao statue.  The whole architecture seems to be designed to make you feel small, with 30-foot ceilings throughout (although this clearance is needed for many of the exhibits).  

And really the whole museum is more about being a tribute to the CCP’s victories and Chinese military accomplishment than providing detached historical analysis, since there is no shortage of patriotic life-size statues and murals of battle scenes intermixed with the armaments and tools of war.   I’m trying to recollect the Smithsonian Air & Space museum for the point of comparison (i.e. the degree patriotism trumps historicity and balance), but I don’t remember it much after eleven years.  

There is a different take on history in the exhibits to say the least.  Rather than simply point out some of the atrocities of the Japanese occupation forces (a lone skull is on display), the English version of the War for Liberation exhibit has unqualified statements with loaded phrases like the “cruel Japanese” or the “Japanese aggressor.”  For diplomatic reasons, you would think that they might qualify it as the “fascist aggressor government of Japan,” but then the grievance would have to soften with the change in government.  It may still be a useful grievance politically.  

Also, near the conclusion of the Sino-Japanese War exhibit, its credits victory to the CCP.  When the U.S. is referenced, it is in its support for the Kuomintang.  No analysis is made of the role of the U.S. and finally, the Soviet Union in Japan’s ultimate defeat.  As befits a revolutionary triumph narrative, it is the sacrifices of the people, and not the failures and miscalculations of the enemy nor the military success of future rivals that determine victory.              

This aside, what I found most amazing (but not surprising) was how poorly armed the initial Communist armies were.  More than half the firearms from the 1920’s and 1930’s on display were home-brewed, and for half of those I would rather have a potato-gun had I been in the soldier’s place.  Since there did not to appear to be any standardization and assembly-line production it would be interesting to know how many of the weapons malfunctioned or simply blew up when fired.    

A most interesting aspect of the museum for an American is the parts that are left un-translated.  The front of the Museum lists the exhibits in English and Chinese, and makes reference to the Korean War exhibit, as an instance of “Stopping U.S. Aggression.”   However, when you enter the Korean War exhibit, there are no English translations whatsoever, in contrast to most all of the rest of the Museum.  They might want to change that before the Olympics in anticipation of the twenty-thousand commentaries on “China: Today, Tomorrow and Yesterday” that will spew forth.

What I further wonder is how many exhibits in museums will be closed pending “renovations” come the Olympics?          

Slow Boat from China

I was puzzled why no one had gotten any postcards.  When I sent out my first set of postcards, I forgot to write “Airmail.”  That means the postcards will take a boat over the Pacific, taking one to three months!  I don’t have everyone’s address, so if you’d like a postcard let me know.  

Where are Large Multinational Pharmaceuticals When You Need Them?

My skin has been becoming more pizza-like as of late, so I decided to stop in the neighborhood pharmacy that I walk past every day to go home.  The staff figured out what I wanted, plain as my face.  I went ahead and bought the zit cream, although I had misgivings that I didn’t see 5% or 10% on the packaging.  The initial product they suggested had the ingredients in English, but the ingredients seemed to be what would probably make acne worse or not do anything.

And then after I had bought it, out of the corner of my eyes I caught sight of it.  A dried lizard.  I went in for further inspection and below that shelf there were dried sea horses side by side with other animal miscellany. The center aisles were all stocked full of assorted unprocessed herbs.  I guess there’s something to be said for home-brew/witches-brew medicine.   That I’m having nothing to do with it.    

There’s not Eastern medicine and Western medicine.  There’s a crapshoot and then there’s tested medicine (open to further even further testing): side effects are not limited to dyspepsia, headache, howling at the moon, compulsive gambling and schizophrenic narcissistic rage.   Consult your physician.  

Once I speak good enough Mandarin, I want to go to another of these stores and find out what they say the herbs and animals remedy.  And then go to two or three others and see if I get a consistent story.  I suspect that there will be a panacea-element – that some of the concoctions can cure everything under the sun.  But that’s my initial prejudice.  Anecdotal treatments certainly can later on become tested medicines.  I’m curious if there is a project to catalog “ancient cures” here, and provide empirical testing.  The “pharmacy” I went to had government licensing certificates on display: some form of official imprimatur.



      

Heil No: Don't Go There

Adding to the list of things I’ve never expect to see:  I was walking to the Wu-Mart tonight (beats Sam Walton’s price’s any day) and a long-haired thirty-something guy on a bicycle gives me a Nazi salute and mutters something about Hitler.  

The only other anti-American sentiment (or perhaps just anti-Bush) I have seen so far was in a restaurant that had photoshop-ed pictures of Bush and Koizumi’s heads pasted on the bodies of super-models.  Or was the owner saying he felt their policies were sexy?  

My Quip of the Day

One of my professors is always acting out to explain the meaning of Chinese characters.  Today, she went a bit too far and started pouring out a little bit of somebody’s bottled water on the floor to explain the “droplet” strokes associated with the water radical.  So I sez:“I can’t wait until she teaches the fire element!”  

Losing Face. How about Winning Face?

Today walking over two different street overpasses I noticed two different kneeling men with cast down eyes, with some sort of message scratched in chalk in front of them.  They didn’t look like the usual sun-burnt, weathered beggars that frequent the pedestrian overpasses, and didn’t have any begging bowl.  My leading hypothesis is that they were convicted of petty crime, and that public shaming was their punishment.  

I went on the subway to the shopping district of Xidan to look for a cell phone, but all the models in the stores start at like $80-90 and way up.  I think this is in part that cell phones are used for more than just calling around here and more like a PC, so the advanced feature phones are very popular.  I’ve never been able to get text messaging to work on my previous phones, but I’m curious to figure out how it must work in Chinese.

I found a great bakery today, called “Bread Time,” and was delighted after eating a perfectly-flaked croissant to chow down on a piece of naan bread with chicken curry baked inside of it.  I guess the delight is in finding what you weren’t expecting for a thousand miles.  Near the subway station in Xidan is the largest bookstore I’ve ever been in, called the “Beijing Books Building,” where I bought English/Chinese versions of the Analects, the Tao Te Ching, and an Ancient Chinese Folk Tales compilation.  

Yesterday at the Great Wall, I also got my little Red Book.  It carries such jewels of wisdom as: “We must have faith in the masses and we must have faith in the Party.”  Or for the economists out there: “The change-over from individual to socialist, collective ownership in agrircutlure [sic] and handicrafts and from capitalist to socialist ownership in private industry and commercc [sic] is bound to bring about a tremendous liberation of the productive forces.”   Maybe I just got the wrong edition.  

It takes about two hours to get to the Mutianyu Great Wall, which is about 70 kilometers north of Beijing.  The restored portion of the Wall I was at was apparently sponsored by Kekoukele (Coca-Cola).  I was disappointed that they didn’t have a McDonald’s at the top in one of the guard towers.  

It is a killer stair climb to get up to the Wall which is on hills at this section, but they have cable cars for you puny wimps out there.  Yeah, I was crawling the last ten meters.  In a few places in the wall itself, the stairs are so steep, that when you are about to walk back down, it looks like there is a 15-foot sheer precipice.  You have to lean against the wall, and be very, very careful going back down. There ain’t no guardrail, just an out of the way warning sign.  

To get down from the Wall, I took what else but the $5 toboggan ride.  It was too slow to be exciting, but because like everything else here it wasn’t designed for my proportions, so that’s probably a good thing.  I seem to remember the alpine slide at Heritage Square having twice the surface area, but I could be wrong.

Well, another school week awaits, but on a parting note, here’s the smiting of a Great Wall urban legend.
    

One Wonder of the World Down. Six to Go.

The Characters for "HAHA"

T-Shirts that make you go "Huh?"

The first week I was here, I noticed a number of people wearing T-Shirts with nonsensical English.  And a few, which were not nonsense, but you had to wonder whether the wearer knew what they meant, or were in fact, jiggy with it – per the coed wearing the word “Juicy” over the place that bestows a title on my weblog.  To get all Victorian round-about-ish – huzzah!

And then today, I spotted another comely girl on campus, wearing a T-shirt on the pattern of “I (heart) New York.”  Except, in her case it said, “I (heart) my [male appendage].”  (Yeah, I’d put it word for word, but when I look at the search terms for how people find my website through search engines I see enough aberrance -- which I probably should post for laughs.)   I think it behooves me to investigate this phenomenon, so in the impartial “interests of science” I’ll have to stop the next woman sporting similar clothing and find out whether she knows what she’s wearing.  Uh-hem.        

When I come back to the U.S. on a visit, I’ll have to likewise see I’m able to find anybody who thinks they have some Chinese tattoo that signifies some ancient cosmic energy field hoo-ha, when in fact it just says: “Bikers stink! Duh! Duh! Duh!”



    

Chicken Heart Kebob – It’s What’s for Dinner

As week two in China comes to a close, I’m happily starting to notice that sometimes passable or nearly passable Mandarin phrases are coming out of my mouth.  Though mostly not.  But after the first week of classes is almost over, I can see progress.  I look at all the signs and advertisements on the street and play a game of character recognition every time I walk about.  Just as the streets become more familiar, so do some of the characters.

But where my character recognition skills are being tried with elemental urgency is in the restaurant arena.  With the cost of a simple meal being in the $0.50 - $1.50 range, I eat out every single meal, unless I just have a snack.  For the first few days, immutably whatever I would ask for I would end up with a bowl of some beef noodle soup.  And once or thrice, I would get a dish that as a picky-eater made me have the evil wish that while the Cultural Revolution was clearing out the past, they could have done away with a few-thousand thousand-year-old recipes.  Before you castigate me for my overt culinary cowardice, I’m just saying that even in the humblest restaurant there are about 50 different options here, and I was never one for spinning a roulette meal wheel.    

I’ve got down the characters for sheep, cow, chicken, meat, rice, kebob and noodles.  A property of many Chinese characters is that part of the meaning can be derived from a component.  So, faced with a new menu, I can play detective and identify the component that is found in many plant and vegetable related-characters.  But I still have no idea what is going to come out of the kitchen, even after my garbled monologue to the waiter: “I don’t eat meat.  I eat greens.  No meat.  Greens.  Please.”  Today, I got a plate of peanuts!

I’ve become a virtual vegetarian.  Partially because after getting a tepid dish of meat, I happened to come across a nice article about tapeworms and how they spread.  Even if the chance was remote, I like to keep the denizens of my duodenum to a minimum.  Although really the most likely risk here is in eating raw vegetables or unpeeled fruits. Plus, even if it is cooked immaculately like in a lot of places, I realize how spoiled I have been (with the quality of cut meat or maybe just the more wasteful use that results in a different presentation) and I really have no desire to change too drastically what I’m comfortable eating unless absolutely necessary.

Enough with the state of stomach.  Classes are going well, although I am thinking to focus more on the spoken language rather than memorizing how to write characters (whereas there is some emphasis on writing characters at BLCU).  With computers, it is easy to type pinyin and then choose from a list of possible characters, so I really don’t think it’s worth my time to learn how to write every character by hand, although I’m learning how to read and recognize them.  I don’t have a few years to spend.   Writing is a technology, so unless I’m going in the calligraphy biz and my handwriting is a whole lot better in Chinese than in English, then I see using computers as a shortcut.    

Tomorrow, if I can wake up on time, I’m going to go to the Great Wall.    

Cost of Living it Up

Bottle of Water – $0.25

Bus Ticket (RT) – $0.25

Old Summer Palace Admission – $1.25

Pancake Thingee -- $0.40

Corn on the Cob -- $0.40

Big Tasty Bowl of Vegetarian Noodles Served in Sit-Down Restaurant with Tea -- $0.63!

12 oz. can of Coke -- $0.25

12 oz. can of Pepsi -- $0.25

Rent (Double Room with Private Bathroom, T.V., Fridge, Water Cooler) -- $8.15

Internet Access -- $0.63

Total -- $12.46

It seems reasonable to budget here between 15 and 25 dollars spending a day if you stay longer term, when you figure in miscellaneous expenses: i.e. 7 dollar Pizza Hut binges, Mao souvenir paper weights, laundry detergent.