Colorado v. Texas -- The Definitive Guide Part One

After living in both Texas and Colorado for most of my life, and since I have nothing else to write about, I thought I'd start compiling a list of their relative merits and demerits, mixing in various peeves and rehashed stereotypes. To start the list:

Texas

Pro: Before I moved to Texas, I was terrified it would resemble an episode of “Walker, Texas Ranger.“ It more closely resembles an episode of “Fresh Prince of Bel Air.“ This is more speaking of Dallas, but I've never seen more ostentatious display of bling-bling. Every day I drove to work past mansions, got the finger from drivers in automobiles many multiples of my income, and went to the gym where there was no lack of trophy wives staying award-winning with and without surgical means. As a person without much material ambition, the good side effects of the “Dallas“-ness of Dallas are that there is no end of great restaurants, malls and movie theaters that even the plebians can (on occasion) enjoy.

Con: Hate to break it to y'all, but Alaska's bigger. And, really, “Don't Mess with Texas.“ Or what? Do you really want a de facto state motto that makes your state sound as pissed off as a meth-head, Hell's Angel biker rolling down the road despite a bad case of hemorrhoids.
And if you're going to be such a tough guy, let's go all the way, Huntsville death-row Pay-Per-View, mandatory concealed firearms, Poker saloons on every corner with Friday free-for-all brawls. That's right, “Walker, Texas Ranger.” And “Hey-sus,” I'm prone to forgeting what the Texas flag and outline of Texas look like, maybe you can refresh my memory by plastering them on every visible surface.

Colorado

Pro: Most cost-effective place to join the “Mile-High“ club. You don't even need plane tickets!

Con: Colorado is practically the world capital of health fanatics and outdoor adventurers -- namely, those intrepid, vivacious souls who make the rest of us look lazy. If, there's any consolation, I find it in sitting on my ass, watching cable and knowing I'm not going to need an ACL replaced from a skiing mishap, ever have to pray my avalanche transponder is in working order, or hope I have a rusty pocket knife to free myself from a massive boulder that is pinning my arm while buzzards circle. In Texas, the outdoors is usually hell-hot, so no excuse is needed for staying indoors other than sanity.

Pro: The all-time greatest cartoon series “South Park” is set in Colorado. Living in Colorado affords special insider understanding of jokes about the rich in Cherry Creek, the restaurant Casa Bonita or of long running local commercial jingles alluded to. “King of the Hill” grows on you, but still lacks the raw, genius acerbity of “South Park.”